


For Her

by PeacefulOblivion



Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Break Up, F/F, Heartbreak, Homophobia, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 14:42:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12367950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeacefulOblivion/pseuds/PeacefulOblivion
Summary: Basically, I felt like I needed to post this somewhere. I needed to get out of my feelings about what's been going on in my life lately, and this piece that I wrote on my way back from a cross country meet really helped express myself and get some of my emotions out in a healthy way.Or, the original work where I talk about my ex girlfriend and finding myself.





	For Her

I know that I’ll miss you. I’ll miss our laughs, I’ll miss our talks. I’ll miss that little way that you would look sheepishly at the ground whenever you smiled. And your smiles… they weren’t just grins. When you truly smiled, you beamed, and like the sun you brought light to my world. It provided me with endless satisfaction when I realized that I had caused that, I and I alone. No one else, no other factor or other person, especially those people who you called “your friends”. I did that, and though it was a rare occurrence, I still did that.

I know that you made me feel complete. Like I was actually alive, which was phenomenal, considering when we first met, I had falling to rock bottom. You lit me up. For the first time, I felt like my air had lungs in them and that I actually had a soul that was being fed. You ignited me, even the slightest glance or touch would electrify me. You exhilarated me, made me feel things that I had never previously known existed.

I know I did everything I could to make you happy. Your worst days were when I would never leave your side. I tried to cheer you up in whatever way I could, because you deserved that, and I didn’t. I needed to make you happy, I couldn’t bare to see you despondent. I needed your positivity to return. I needed the laughs. I needed the jokes. I needed the incredible personality that you possessed, at least when you were around me. I needed that more than anything else, more than the air in my lungs or the clothes on my back.

I know I would never hurt you, not intentionally. You were so fragile and weak, and I needed to protect you. I couldn’t harm you, even though in the end you hurt me, so much. I valued your company and you could always make me smile on even my worst days. I tried to make it up to you, and in time, I think I almost did. I would’ve rather thrown myself off of a bridge than make you not smile. I never deserved you, but in the end, did I really ever deserve anyone? Am I just better off alone, where I can’t hurt anyone? Or maybe I should just stay to myself, to protect me.

I know I tried to make you like me. I attempted to become more like the people you normally hung out with. My acne cleared. I styled my hair. I tried to dress in a more chic manner, and failed since I tend to do that, but I did the best I could. I was desperate to make you like me, so maybe, just maybe, we could last longer. I needed to become less unique in order for this to happen. I needed your acceptance in order to keep myself satisfied. I needed your approval.

I know you made me feel like I was losing my mind. The day I recognized what I felt for you, I stopped thinking. Nothing existed but these emotions and therefore, the confusion that went with them. I didn’t pay attention in class, unless it was drawing you as we sat in math class. Then I definitely paid attention to every beautiful, perfect detail. Nothing else was there but us, and you became my own personal paradise. You were an angel and I, a simple girl in awe. When I lost you, I couldn’t think once more, except this time, it was because I chose not to. I’ve learned that in some cases, not thinking is better than thinking at all. It tends to hurt less.

I know we kissed, and in that moment, everything fell into place. It all made sense, why I had felt this, what it meant. I cared for someone, deeply, and I still have the memories of how your lips felt against mine. You’re always there, I know you are. Part of you stays with me, the part that made me feel like I was walking on air. And, let me just say, that kiss was the best gift I have ever received. It was the most exceptional thing I have ever experienced, so thank you for that.

I know your friends didn’t approve of me, because I wasn’t “natural”. I had corrupted you, lured me in with my sinful appeal, and I weaved you into my web of lies and lust and empty promises. What they didn’t understand is that you lept into the web, more than willingly. Then again, how could they know? You never explained this to them, you were always too busy considering your reputation. Whatever would happen if it was discovered that you weren’t straight? The scandal would begin, and you would lose everything. Except for me, and a handful of people who actually know what emotions and depth and value and love really means. Who actually cared about you, far more than your so-called friends did. Yes, I understand that I am repulsive, but for a week, you didn’t think so. You thought you cared for me, and this was the worst lie of all.

I know I loved you. Deeply. Completely. I would help you with whatever you need. If you wanted me to help you with homework I was there, if you wanted me to hold your jacket I would. God forbid, if you had ever once asked me to hold your hand, I would’ve done it in a heartbeat. I comforted you when you needed it, and even though you pushed me away because you thought that it was best, I kept coming back because I knew that you actually did, you needed me, but not nearly as much as I needed you. I still need you. Your laugh, your love, your scent, your sense of humor. I need all of it, and yet I can never have it.

I know it was all a lie. You never felt anything for me. And though I offered you every opportunity to get out, you didn’t. You stayed in a lie, messing with my head because why not? I didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter. I was only an idiot who was hopelessly in love with a girl who didn’t give a shit about her. You put me through hell, and I put up with it, because I thought we had something. I loved you and sometimes, I thought that you loved me back. You didn’t, you were so willing to cast me aside without any warning. According to you, I didn’t worry, I didn’t have feelings. All I knew was that we were talking one minute and the next, you were gone, and my already paranoid head made me assume the worse, until I looked at your Instagram account and realized that you hadn’t been in an accident or killed. You had just chosen to ignore me.

Lastly, I know that I can’t explain what once was in only a few words. Or maybe I can. All people need to know is that “We were together, and now we aren’t.” If I’m suddenly invisible to you, then maybe you deserve the same, even though I can’t bring myself to do this. I want to hate you, but I can’t. I never will be able to, because ultimately, the sad truth is that I still worship you. I’ve dreamt about you almost every night ever since school started, and I don’t see this ending anytime soon. Sorry for caring, sorry for wanting you, and above all, sorry for loving you.

And I know I will never receive the same apology.


End file.
